5 years and counting

So it’s been a minute since I wrote a blog.  March 18th was my 5 years cancerversary. It has been five years since my initial lumpectomy. I still can’t believer that five years has passed me by as if it was just yesterday.  As I I like to say, time flies when you’re not having fun.  It’s been a world wind of surgeries, chemo, shitty chemo hair, a bilateral mastectomy, a BSO and a 15 lbs weight loss from stress. Which off course creeped back on me.  Just sitting here and enjoying matzah ball soup and thinking about everything that has transpired within these 5 years.

Being diagnosed with any kind of cancer is devastating enough, but also being diagnosed with a BRCA2 mutation, is the icing on the cake.  Let me just say that going through cancer and fucking chemo has been one of THE hardest thing’s that I have had to endure.  Relying on another being to take care of you when you are down and out is no picnic.  I was scarfed shitless and like a deer in headlights.  The things that go through your head when you are sick are nothing less than depressing.  Will I make it?  Will I be able to finish my chemo treatment? Will I die from this cancer? What will happen to my kids?  I have to cut my tits off.  My ovaries and tubes have to go too.  I’m a burden to my family. All these thoughts go through your head when you are going through cancer.

One thing that I have to  say is that what kept me sane through all of this is probably my demented sense of humor.  Telling the receptionist at the oncologist’s office that you came in for your spa treatment is short of insanity lol.  The look on her face was just priceless. I can still remember it as clear as if it was yesterday.

Having cancer took a huge toll on my family. The kids would have to stay at my parents house after an infusion.  My poor father who has a heart condition took me to almost every one of my chemo sessions.  My husband took me three times I think and my friend Linda took me once.  My mother made me food a lot of the times when I would come over.  She especially liked to make me liver lol because she said it had good iron properties.  Good thing I love liver lol.

IMG_4845.jpgWhat cancer has taught me was that I had to be strong even when I felt weak.  There is only so much complaining you can do without annoying people around you.  No one on earth understands what it is you are going through unless they have been in your shoes.  Kid’s cannot relate to what is going on around them and are nervous during all of this.  Your husband does not function properly.  Especially when his wife and mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time.  One fought to live and the other wouldn’t even let the Dr diagnose her and didn’t attempt to fight.  Metastatic breast cancer is the only fucking breast cancer that women and men die from.  BRCA sucks fucking balls!  Yet through all this heartache and cancer, I am still thriving.  I am alive.  I am not sub human because of my plastic tits and scars.  In fact my scars are not ugly what’s so ever.  They make me exactly what and who I am today.  They are a reminder on a daily that whatever tried to kill me did not succeed.

My fear of a reoccurrence will never go away, but that doesn’t mean that I am not fighting with my inner demons that are inside my head trying to scare the fuck out of me.  There are good days and there are bad days.  There will always be bad day’s, but hopefully the good will always outweigh the bad.  Lastly a big FUCK YOU to that bitch called cancer. You may have have got your hands on me but I won’t let you get your claws in me.

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